


5 times jeremy didn’t let michael kiss him

by katieelle



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, First Time, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Porn With Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 11:37:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15242544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katieelle/pseuds/katieelle
Summary: (Plus one time he did.)





	5 times jeremy didn’t let michael kiss him

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! ok I swear my multi-chaptered fics aren’t abandoned, I just got this idea into my head and couldn’t write anything else until I finished it

When Michael and Jeremy started their senior year, they were closer than ever. They had dealt with three years of exams, bullshit popularity contests, and pointless drama, helping each other through all of it with hours of video games and weed. Michael had always felt like Jeremy was all he really needed. He had never had too many friends, but he was content with that. He and Jeremy liked the same things, they spent a lot of time together getting high, and they always partnered up on projects. What more could he need?

He tried to pretend it didn’t hurt when Jeremy was constantly in search of more. Jeremy wanted more friends, he wanted everyone to know his name, he wanted to be part of a group that Michael wasn’t in. But that was just the way it was. Jeremy was enough for Michael, but Michael wasn’t enough for Jeremy. Michael couldn’t change that.

Starting their last year of high school, he didn’t expect anything to change. Not even when Jeremy barged into his house immediately after the first day, stomped downstairs, and started ranting so quickly that Michael couldn’t hear a word he was saying. “Hey, hey, slow down,” Michael said from where he was sprawled out on the couch, cartoons playing loudly on the TV. Jeremy stopped speaking, already out of breath. “Okay, start again,” Michael said once Jeremy’s breathing evened out.

“It’s our senior year and I’ve never even had a girlfriend. I’ve never had sex in all of high school, do you know how sad that is? It’s pretty pathetic.”

Jeremy walked over to the couch, shoving Michael’s legs to the side so he could sit down. “Well, neither have I,” Michael said, trying to find a way to comfort him. “It’s not that weird. You still have college, anyways.”

“I can’t go to college without ever having had sex! I don’t know what I’m doing, I’d just embarrass myself.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, buddy,” Michael said. Jeremy was difficult sometimes. If he had an idea in his head that he truly believed, no one could change his mind. Not even Michael could, so he usually just gave up instead of trying to convince Jeremy otherwise. He’d be over it in a few days, anyways.

Jeremy sighed, leaning his head against the headrest and staring at the ceiling. “Sometimes I wish I was just...normal.” Michael wanted to give him the same stupid speech he’d recited many times before when Jeremy got like this. The one about how he didn’t need to be normal, they had each other, and their time would come. But it never worked, and Michael was tired, so he kept his mouth shut. “Hey, wait a minute,” Jeremy said as he sat up, his eyes getting brighter. “What if I just found someone to...practice with? You know, not a girlfriend or anything, just someone who would agree to help me practice so I know what I’m doing for when I actually get to fuck someone.”

Michael almost interrogated him about what the fuck he was talking about, but he was already rambling again before Michael could cut in.

“I mean, it’d be a win-win for both of us. The hard part is finding someone who will do it…” he trailed off, presumably coming up with a list of options in his head.

Michael hadn’t meant to say it. It was supposed to be a sarcastic joke inside his head that only he could hear. Except he did say it, and once it was out there, there was nothing he could do to take it back. “Not that hard, I’m sitting right here.”

Jeremy’s head snapped around to face Michael, who was already muttering apologies and excuses. “I was joking, okay? Calm down. Sorry for making a weird joke.”

Jeremy didn’t seem to find his ‘joke’ very funny. He wasn’t laughing. Not even smiling. And Michael was sure he was about to lunge across the couch to slap him. For a few moments, time seemed to freeze as they locked eyes while Michael waited for Jeremy to say something, anything. “You’d do that for me?”

Well that was...interesting. And not at all the direction Michael thought this conversation was going to go. He stuttered for a few moments, cramming a few words together in an incoherent string as an attempt to respond. Jeremy Heere, his best friend, was seriously considering using him to practice having sex. Sure, Michael had developed a tiny crush on him over the years, but who wouldn’t? He never thought anything would ever come out of it. He never even thought about having sex with him. But now he was. Now that the offer was there, it was all he could think about it. “I mean...fucking a guy isn’t the same as fucking a girl...but it’s a start I guess.” Michael shrugged, trying to play down his enthusiasm.

“I mean, it can’t be that different.”

God, Michael was literally a gay virgin and even he knew that having sex with a girl was nothing like having sex with a guy. “Jeez, maybe that’s why you can’t get laid,” Michael teased, trying to stifle a laugh.

“Come on Michael, be serious,” Jeremy said. Michael bit back a grin, waiting patiently for Jeremy to continue. “Would you really do it? I just need to have an idea of what I’m doing so I don’t fuck it up when I actually get my chance.”

“You watch porn, Jeremy, you know how to do it.”

“But porn isn’t real!”

Michael couldn’t argue with that. On one hand, he’d get to have sex with his best friend while still remaining his best friend without the stress of a relationship, and that seemed like a pretty sweet deal. Thoughts clouded by how amazing that seemed, he couldn’t think of all the negatives in that moment. He didn’t think about how deeply in denial Jeremy was, he didn’t think about how he’d come out of it wanting more, he didn’t think about how Jeremy would never want more. His mind raced at the thought of Jeremy’s body on him.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll do that,” Michael agreed. Even when Jeremy’s face lit up, it still didn’t feel real. “You’re going to fuck me for practice. Okay, cool.”

There were many times he thought about kissing Jeremy. When they were so close, all he had to do was shift his face a few inches closer and their lips would be touching. He never did it, but the thought was always in the back of his mind. This time, though, it made sense. He crawled forward on the couch, feeling like he wasn’t consciously moving his body. He was floating. He was gliding through water.

Michael sat on his knees, close enough to Jeremy to hear his breathing. Truthfully, he didn’t know what he was doing either, but that didn’t matter. This was his best friend, it was okay if they made mistakes. Jeremy tilted his head to the side, which Michael took as a welcoming sign. He was wrong. When he leaned in further, eyes already fluttering shut, he felt a firm palm against his chest.

“Michael, no, I’m not…” he started to say. “I’m not gay. This isn’t anything more than...educational sex.”

“Educational sex?” Michael repeated. “You’re telling me you’re about to fuck my ass, but kissing is too gay for you?”

“Kissing is personal, okay? Sex doesn’t have to be. Sex is just sex. Besides, when I fuck you, it’s easy to just pretend you’re a girl if I’m not looking at your face.”

“I’m not a girl, Jeremy. Why would you have to pretend if you already find me attractive enough to fuck me?”

“I never said I was attracted to you.”

Michael shifted a hand, bringing it over to Jeremy’s crotch. “Then why can I feel you getting hard?”

Michael watched the color drain from Jeremy’s face and he smirked. He knew he won. “Let’s move to the bed.”

Michael would have liked to keep arguing with Jeremy because his logic was completely flawed, but Jeremy’s request to move to the bed was stopping him from thinking rationally. Michael could prove him wrong later, but for now, all he wanted was to feel him.

He crawled up into the bed, with Jeremy following him. “Okay, so once we’re here, do I start undressing you? Or the other way around? Or do we strip ourselves?”

“I have no fucking clue,” Michael said. “I’m as much of a virgin as you are.”

“Well, I mean, to me, you’re playing the part of the girl I’m about fuck. And to you, I’m playing the part of your future hot boyfriend that’s about to fuck you.” Michael didn’t know which was worse — the fact that he didn’t see Jeremy as playing a part, or the fact that in his head, Jeremy was the future hot boyfriend. “So in either case, you’re still the one getting fucked. And as the one getting fucked, what would you prefer?” God, he was so technical about everything, Michael was already lost in his metaphor. “For reference. Because I want to do what the one getting fucked wants me to do.”

It was making Michael’s head hurt, trying to understand what Jeremy was saying with the playing parts and who’s fucking who. Having an explanation for everything, using Michael as a symbol for a future girl, it just seemed like a way for Jeremy to justify how not gay this is. And that was something that Michael simply could not understand. “I don’t think...I really don’t think it matters that much. I think you should just do whatever feels right.”

Jeremy nodded and sat back on his knees, tugging off his shirt. He reached over and helped Michael out of his own shirt, then tugged down his jeans, his boxers coming along with them.

It wasn't like Jeremy hadn’t seen him naked before. They had walked in on each other getting dressed or about to take a shower multiple times before, but never like this. Michael felt a hot blush creep up his chest, over his neck, and settling on his cheeks.

“Okay, now what?” Jeremy asked innocently.

“Jesus, you don’t have to do everything a specific way, Jeremy. You just follow what your body tells you to do.”

“What’s your body telling you to do?”

“My body is telling me to make out with you.” Michael cocked his head to the side, watching for Jeremy’s reaction. Jeremy looked away, refusing to meet his eyes. “What’s yours telling you to do?”

“Theoretically, if you were a girl…” Michael rolled his eyes. “My body would be telling me to eat you out.”

“So do it.” Michael didn’t know where this sudden burst of confidence had come from, but it was making this a lot of a lot easier. It was probably the adrenaline, the look of Jeremy sitting across from him on the bed, shirtless.

“What? Like...your ass?” Jeremy voice was close to a whisper. Michael nodded. “Ew, no.”

Understandable. Maybe he’d do it someday. It felt like the only way this was going to go easier was if Michael played into the idea of Jeremy’s theoretical girlfriend. And at that point, Michael was desperate, willing to do anything to get Jeremy to finally fuck him. So he played into his stupid game.

It was a mistake. He couldn’t see it at the time, how he was just feeding into Jeremy’s insecurities, but it was a mistake.

“Okay, fine, so say you’ve already eaten the girl out. You’ll have to finger me — er, her — before you just start shoving your dick up there.”

Michael flipped over on his chest, forehead resting on a pillow with his ass exposed. He felt a cautious finger rubbing over his hole. “Jeremy, no!” he yelled. The finger instantly disappeared. “You need lube.”

“Fuck, I forgot that step. See? This is why I need to practice,” he said. “Where’s the lube?”

“Second drawer, bedside table.”

He heard the drawer opening, then rummaging around, then he felt the dip of the mattress where Jeremy sat behind him. Jeremy’s finger returned, this time covered in cold lube. “I’m not picky, but some people like you to warm the lube first. Just saying,” Michael added.

He’d fingered himself before, so he knew what it felt like. But there was something different about having someone else do it. The anticipation of not knowing quite what they were going to do next. And, of course, the fact that it was Jeremy doing it made a huge difference.

Jeremy pushed his finger in and Michael clenched his teeth. “Is — is this right?” Jeremy asked, his voice sort of shaky. Like he was nervous.

“Yeah, but…” Michael considered if he should even say this or not. It felt like he had said it enough and Jeremy just wasn’t listening, but he’d tried again anyways. “You have to relax, Jer.”

“I am relaxed,” Jeremy argued. “It’s just that you’re not a girl, so it’s weird.”

“Thought it was easy for you to pretend I’m a girl?” Michael asked. He could think of another reason Jeremy was so nervous, wanting to make sure he did everything right, but Michael wouldn’t say anything. Not yet, at least. “Or are you not pretending right now? It’s just me.”

“Shut up,” Jeremy spat. Michael was right again.

It was clear that Jeremy really didn’t know what he was doing. Each twist of his finger was awkward and unsure. He seemed to be waiting for Michael to say something else, to give him more advice. “Ah, okay, so, everyone is going to be different, but you can try putting in another finger now.”

Michael held his breath as Jeremy slowly worked in a second finger. At least he got that part right and he wasn’t trying to jam his finger in there all at once. “Still okay?”

It was actually kind of cute the way Jeremy kept asking if what he was doing was okay. “Yeah, that’s good.”

“Does it feel good?” Jeremy asked cautiously, swirling the two fingers around.

“Mmhm,” Michael hummed. “If you want me to feel really good, hook your fingers up.” Jeremy did, but it wasn’t quite right. “Now move them back a little bit.”

“Like this?”

Michael grabbed a fistful of the sheets. “Oh, god, yeah, that’s...right there.” Jeremy tested his boundaries, tapping his fingers against the same spot. Michael’s breath hitched each time. “Okay, that’s my p-prostate,” he stammered. “Uh, girls have something that’s supposed to feel the same way, b-but, I - uh, I don’t know what it’s c-called.”

“But it feels good when you touch it?”

He was so fucking clueless. “Y-yeah, really good,” Michael answered eagerly. “You’re doing so good, Jeremy. You’re doing really good.”

“I am?” Jeremy asked, his voice raising even higher.

“Yeah, go ahead and add another finger.”

It was tight, and the initial push burned at first, but Jeremy was careful. Once his finger was in and that initial burn was gone, it started to feel so good. Michael felt so full, so complete, like he would come soon if Jeremy kept it up.

After a few more minutes of Jeremy experimentally twisting his fingers around, Michael decided that he had had enough. “I think I’ll be good now.” Really, he wasn’t sure because he had never actually been fucked before. He didn’t know how big Jeremy was or how stretched he was supposed to be. But for now, he’d have to take a guess and hope for the best.

He heard Jeremy behind him unbuttoning his jeans and sliding them off. He wanted to - needed to - see Jeremy. He flipped around on his back, already spreading his legs. Fuck, Jeremy looked so good, from his hooded eyes to his chest to his dick. Which wasn’t huge like the kind of dicks that were only found in porn. It seemed like an average length, but it was just as pretty as the rest of him.

“Flip back over,” Jeremy said. Michael didn’t move at first, just stared at him in confusion. “If I’m looking at your face I can’t pretend you’re a girl. So flip over.”

In any other circumstance, Michael would have been offended. But at the time, he couldn’t find the energy in his lust-clouded head to care, so he flipped back over. Jeremy was leaning over him, hands on either side of his head to support himself, and Michael felt dizzy even though he was lying still. Jeremy slipped lube over his cock then stroked himself a few times before lining up with Michael’s hole.

“Okay? This okay?” Jeremy asked, even though he didn’t even have his tip in yet.

“Yes, yes, just — you’ll want to go slow at first. You don’t want to hurt...the girl. You don’t want to hurt the girl you’re fucking.”

“Right,” Jeremy said, slowly starting to push in. It wasn’t like anything Michael had experienced before. It was completely new and different, and despite Jeremy’s overall clumsiness, it was somehow perfect. And Michael was sure Jeremy was feeling the same way if the way he was breathing heavy behind him was any indication. “Oh, fuck,” Jeremy mumbled, once he was seated fully inside him. “Mm, fuck, now what?”

“Move.”

Jeremy did, slowly pulsing his hips, gasping at each one. Michael had his face buried in the pillow, trying to stifle his moans. Sure, maybe Jeremy was a bit awkward before with all of the explaining, but this was different. This wasn’t awkward or clumsy, it was smooth and close and felt so, so good. “Fuck, Jeremy,” Michael said. “You’re doing so good. How are you so good at this?”

“I don’t know, but it feels good to-“ he quickly cut himself off. “I mean, if you were a girl, I’d say that you feel so good.”

Michael didn’t have a reference for what it was supposed to feel like, so he couldn’t tell if it felt perfect because it was perfect, or if it felt perfect because it was Jeremy. Maybe a combination of the two.

“Okay, Jer, you can go faster,” Michael encouraged. Jeremy started picking up his pace, his hips slamming against Michael’s ass and making the most delicious, obscene sounds imaginable. “Oh, fuck, that’s amazing,” Michael managed to mumble through jagged moans.

At a particularly harsh jab, Michael moaned out loudly enough for it to be heard even through his pillow barrier. He was sure Jeremy was about to scold him for not sounding enough like a girl, but the opposite happened. “Jesus, Michael, you sound so good.”

Jeremy didn’t acknowledge that he let Michael’s name slip out, revealing that he really wasn’t imagining a girl, and Michael didn’t acknowledge it either. He wasn’t going to waste his breath.

“Right, so, ah, remember earlier when I told you about the prostate?” Michael didn’t wait for an answer. “T-try to find it again.”

He was so hard, leaking against the mattress, but he kept his hands off. He didn’t want to come before he got the chance to feel Jeremy hitting his prostate with his dick. Just the thought of it made chills go up his spine. “Here?” Jeremy asked.

“N-no, we might need a different angle. Pull out for a sec.” When Jeremy did, Michael got up on his hands and knees. “Okay, try again.”

Jeremy readjusted himself, then pushed back in. It took another try before Jeremy found the right spot, but when he did find it, it was unexpected. Michael arched his back, needing more, his legs shaky and on the verge of collapsing. “Some people, I think, can come just from that. But most can’t. So, you — with girls, too — you have to touch them.”

“You mean I should jerk you off?” Michael nodded, biting his lip. He wasn’t sure if Jeremy would do it, but he felt a hand reach under him and grab his dick, stroking in time with Jeremy’s thrusts. “Like this?”

“Oh, god yes, exactly like that,” Michael answered, hips involuntarily bucking into Jeremy’s hand for more friction. “Are you close?”

“Close to what?”

“Coming, you fucking idiot!”

“Oh,” Jeremy breathed. “Mm, yeah, I am.”

“People who you’d fuck would like it better if you let them come first,” Michael told him. Jeremy started stroking him faster, hitting his prostate continuously. Smoking weed couldn’t compare to the high Michael felt in that moment.

He yelled out Jeremy’s name when he came. He didn’t mean to, but Jeremy seemed unphased. The intensity was nowhere close to anything he felt when he came from masturabting. He could feel it in every part of his body.

Jeremy followed close behind, holding on tightly to Michael’s hips, pressing his thumbs into the soft skin. When Jeremy finished and pulled out, Michael used the last of his remaining strength to turn over on the bed, looking up at Jeremy. His face was red, jaw dropped, and his hair was a mess.

For some reason, the first thought that crossed Michael’s mind was that no one else would be able to appreciate that sight in the same way he did.

“Oh my god,” Jeremy finally said, sitting back on his knees. “I can’t believe we just did that.”

“Me neither,” Michael breathed out, kicking the blankets away from him. He was too hot, everything that touched him was making him too hot.

“So do you think a girl would be impressed if I fucked her like that?”

“Yeah, but…” Michael started to say, catching Jeremy’s attention with his doubt. “I think you could use some more practice.”

“I agree.” They locked eyes, already knowing what they were both thinking. They didn’t have to say it out loud. They understood. They understood each other. “If we keep doing this, promise no one ever finds out.”

Michael held a hand out to Jeremy, holding his pinky up. “Pinky promise.” Jeremy crossed his pinky with Michael’s, sealing the deal.

And everyone knows that a pinky promise can’t be broken.

2

It continued on like that for weeks. It got better each time, as they learned what they liked and what worked. Of course, Jeremy continuously claimed that he was still just practicing, that he was thinking about fucking a girl the whole time. Neither of them said anything when Jeremy called out Michael’s name.

And for Michael, each time became more confusing. A part of him knew Jeremy would never want a relationship with him, but another part of him was tricked by the way Jeremy kept coming back. How he moaned his name and how he looked at him hungrily and how he touched him.

They were relaxing in bed one night, after some particularly intense ‘practice,’ watching a movie that was pulled up on Michael’s laptop. He wasn’t watching much of the movie, though, because he couldn’t stop looking at Jeremy. He wanted to call him his boyfriend so badly.

He knew Jeremy didn’t kiss him, but it felt like each time they fucked, they got a little closer. So maybe his opinion had changed. Testing his boundaries, Michael draped an arm around Jeremy’s waist, pulling him close enough to rest his head on his shoulder. Jeremy accepted the touch, letting Michael pull him in. So far so good. Michael tilted his head up, reaching for Jeremy’s lips. Jeremy instantly pulled back. “No kissing,” he reminded him.

“I just don’t get it,” Michael said, frustrated. “We have sex on a regular basis, but kissing is somehow crossing a line?”

“I’ve already explained this,” Jeremy groaned. “I don’t want to kiss you because I’m not gay.”

Michael chewed on his bottom lip. “Bullshit,” he blurted. “That’s such bullshit.”

“Don’t be an ass. You know that I’m pretending you’re a girl the whole time, and you let me do it.”

“Fuck off with that,” Michael said. “You say my name when we’re having sex and you try to act like it never happened. And I never bring it up because I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Well, what else am I supposed to say? Am I just supposed to say ‘Emily’ or some shit?”

Michael took a deep breath. Arguing over this was so not worth it. “Jeremy, let’s cut the shit. You enjoy having sex with me. Otherwise, you wouldn’t keep doing it. You can’t lie about that. I’m not saying you wouldn’t enjoy sex with girls, but you know you enjoy it with me. Why can’t you admit that?”

Jeremy went silent, staring at the movie screen to try to pretend he was distracted.

“It’s just me, Jeremy. Your best friend. You can tell me anything, so why can’t you tell me this?”

Jeremy turned to face him, Michael swore he could see tears in his eyes. “Theoretically, let’s say I was attracted to you. And let’s say we...dated. We both know that we’re already not the coolest guys ever, and that would make things way worse. I’d never get to have a lot friends, or a social life for that matter. Theoretically.”

Michael sat back, trying to avoid Jeremy’s gaze. “So what you’re saying is...your popularity is more important to you than me?”

Michael got up and started heading for the door. He held it open and stepped aside, motioning for Jeremy to leave. “Michael, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Out,” Michael demanded.

“Michael…”

“Now.”

Jeremy walked outside reluctantly, his head hung down. Michael made sure to slam the door behind him.

3

When Michael heard his front door swing open, he thought he knew what Jeremy wanted. But he wouldn’t do it, not this time. He headed upstairs before Jeremy could make it to the basement. Instead of finding in him in his usual relaxed state, he found him pacing in the kitchen alone. “Jeremy? The fuck is up with you?”

“I am so stupid.”

Michael let himself believe for a few moments that this was going to be Jeremy’s big apology. Jeremy would start crying, and then Michael would start crying, and they’d collapse in each other’s arms and it’d be the most romantic goddamn thing ever. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Finally asked Chloe to be my girlfriend, and you know what she said?” Michael knew what she said, it wasn’t too hard to figure out. But he shrugged his shoulders as if he didn’t. “She said no.”

Maybe on any other day, Michael would have pulled him into a hug and told him all of the things he wanted to hear. How she didn’t deserve him and how everything would be okay. But what Jeremy really needed was some honesty. And it maybe it would sting to hear at first, but it would be better for him in the long run. “I can’t say I’m surprised,” Michael scoffed. Jeremy stopped pacing and looked up at him, shocked, struggling to find something to say. He didn’t have to. “I mean, really, it’s obvious you just wanted to date her because she’s popular. She’s not stupid and you’re an asshole.”

“What the fuck, Michael?” Jeremy spat. “I took her to play mini golf! Who doesn’t like mini golf?”

“So what? She doesn’t owe you anything.”

The thing was, Jeremy was so desperate for approval from others. He wasn’t able to like himself until everyone else liked him, too. And he was blind to that. He couldn’t see that he put up a facade for everyone that wasn’t Michael. Michael saw it, though, the way his personality changed whenever he was around someone else. He didn’t talk about things he liked, he talked about the things they liked. It was destroying him.

Jeremy sighed, stepping closer to Michael. Michael took a step back. “I think...I think you’re right. I am an asshole.” Michael watched realization cross over his face and he stepped forward again. This time, Michael didn’t back up. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, staring down at his feet.

“Why are you apologizing to me? Go apologize to Chloe.”

“I meant about the other day. I was being a dick.”

“Yeah, you were,” Michael huffed. Jeremy sniffled, looking away. Too harsh, maybe? No, Jeremy needed it. “Come here,” Michael said, opening his arms. He couldn’t keep being cold forever, it wasn’t in his nature. Jeremy accepted the embrace, muttering apologies into his shoulder. For some reason, it wasn’t as gratifying as Michael had imagined. Michael ran his hand over his back, smooth against his t-shirt. “You’d be so much happier if you could just relax and be yourself.”

“But I can only really relax and be myself with you.”

It hurt Michael to know that even that wasn’t entirely true anymore.

“You were right, Michael,” Jeremy said, letting his head fall back enough to look directly in his eyes.

“About what?”

“About you.” Oh. “I do like you. I think you’re hot. And I like--I love having sex with you. And the thinking about girls the whole time? That’s bullsit, we both know that.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me before?”

“I guess...I was scared that if I said it out loud it would become real. And I’m scared of what people are going to think and what they’re going to say and what they’re going to do.”

“Jer, we only have one year left. No one’s even going to remember us.”

“That’s the problem!” Jeremy interrupted. “I don’t want to be nobody forever. I want to be remembered.”

Michael glanced over Jeremy’s face, loose strands of hair hanging low over his eyes. “C-can I kiss you now? Please?”

Jeremy pulled back, letting Michael’s arms fall to his sides. Jeremy then crossed his arms uncomfortably, gaze locked on the floor. “I’m sorry, I can’t. We can’t. I wish we could, but we just can’t.”

Michael tried to understand. He tried to understand where he went wrong and where Jeremy went wrong, where they went wrong as a pair. He knew now that Jeremy felt the same way as he did, that there was something between them that was more than just a strong friendship. It was everything Michael had ever wanted, knowing that his attraction wasn’t one-sided. But somehow, it just made things worse. Because even though they both wanted the same thing, they couldn’t have it. And they never would.

Michael was more angry than sad.

“I think I should go now,” Jeremy said, already turning the door knob.

“No, wait,” Michael called after him. “You can stay. Stay, please.”

Jeremy didn’t listen.

4

For a while, things went back to normal.

They stopped having sex. They went back to doing things that friends were supposed to do, like playing video games and getting high. Michael listened to Jeremy complain about still not having a girlfriend, and Jeremy listened to Michael complain about how they always seemed to be out of his favorite slushie flavor at 7-11. They pretended nothing had ever happened, they had never lost their virginities to one another, they had never confessed their honest feelings for one another.

For a while.

Michael was supposed to be guarding Jeremy in the game they were playing, but he kept dying because his mind was wandering. He couldn’t stop thinking about when Jeremy used to practice on him and how Michael never got to practice anything. All he really did was lay there and take whatever Jeremy gave him. Which, in a way, was practicing to a degree for whenever he bottomed for someone else. He had something else on his mind, though.

“Michael, how am I supposed to finish this if you keep dying on me?” Jeremy asked in annoyance, shaking his controller at the screen when Michael inevitably got killed again.

“Just been thinking…” Michael started, trailing off. Would bringing this up again make things weird between them? Probably. Was Michael going to do it anyways? Definitely. “About how we used to...practice.”

“Michael…” Jeremy warned. “We stopped doing that.”

“I know, I know,” Michael sighed. “I have an idea though. I have this idea about me practicing on you.”

He looked into Jeremy’s eyes for any glimpse of excitement or disgust or confusion, but there was nothing. He was unreadable. “You mean like, you fucking me? Sorry, I don’t think I’d like that.”

“No, not like that,” Michael said, laughing. “I wouldn’t like to fuck you either.”

“Alright, so what do you mean?”

“IwasthinkingmaybeIcouldsuckyourdick,” he blurted, all at once.

“I didn’t understand a word you just said.”

“I said I was thinking maybe I could suck you dick,” Michael said, slower this time, his cheeks blushing rosy pink. Jeremy appeared to be so shocked that he didn’t know how to respond. “I mean, it’s probably for the best that we stopped, but...I don’t know. I guess I just miss it.”

“Y-you want to suck my dick?”

Starting this up again would only end in heartbreak for the both of them. Michael didn’t know why he was so stubborn, he always did things even when he was aware of the negative consequences. Or maybe he just didn’t want to believe that he and Jeremy would never be able to have a relationship that was more than just a friendship. “Um, yeah,” Michael said through a breathy, awkward laugh. “I’ve never done it before. And I kind of want to know how.

“I kind of can’t turn down getting my dick sucked,” Jeremy smiled. He paused the game and scooted to the edge of the couch. “Try to turn me on,” Jeremy urged.

Michael kneeled on the floor between Jeremy’s legs, trying his best to look hot, but he was sure he just looked like a douchebag. When he watched porn, the guy usually started by mouthing at the other guy’s bulge through his pants, which didn’t seem like a good idea, but he didn’t know what else to do. He opened his mouth over the crotch of Jeremy’s jeans, slowly sucking and nipping at the fabric. When he didn’t hear a response from Jeremy, he looked up at his face, and he was fucking grinning at him, barely holding back a laugh. “You’re such an asshole,” Michael said, sitting back.

“Well you’re bad at this!” Jeremy argued. Michael grabbed the nearest object, which happened to be a pillow, (thank god) and he tossed it at Jeremy. “Just take my pants off.”

“Take your own pants off.”

Jeremy groaned and reluctantly unbuttoned his jeans, sliding them to the floor. “Happy now?” he asked. “Ready to come suck my dick now?”

“Very happy,” Michael said sarcastically. Now that Jeremy was just in his boxers, he placed his mouth over his bulge again.

Without his jeans in the way, Jeremy could feel a lot more. “Mm, getting better,” he hummed, gently running his fingers through Michael’s hair. Michael liked how that sounded. He liked hearing that he was doing good. He doubled his efforts, not stopping until he left a wet spot on the front of Jeremy’s boxers. Only then did he pull them down.

“D-do you think you can take it all?” Jeremy asked cautiously.

Michael’s eyes went wide, glancing down at his dick, then back at Jeremy, then back at his dick. “This is my first time sucking a dick, and you expect me to be able to deepthroat it?”

“I was just thinking about that time when we had a contest to see who could get the popsicle down their throat the farthest without choking and you won by a landslide.”

“Hate to break it to you, but a popsicle is not a dick.”

“Well, obviously, but I just thought…”

Michael cut him off by ducking back down, circling his tongue around his head. Jeremy gasped, leaning back into the couch. “Jesus,” Michael said, pulling off again. “I’ve barely even touched you. You’re so sensitive.”

“P-please keep doing it,” Jeremy stuttered. Michael wasn’t going to argue with that. He wrapped his lips around Jeremy once more, experimentally flicking his tongue against his shaft, just to see how Jeremy would respond. Michael snuck a glance up, revelling in the way Jeremy was biting his bottom lip to hold back any stray groans.

Blowjobs in porn had never seemed that exciting, but this was so much different. It was like every movement of his tongue, every contraction of his throat could be felt by Jeremy intensely. He decided to see how much he could take, slipping his mouth further down Jeremy’s dick until he felt his gag reflex kick in. It was hard to tell, but he was sure he was at least a little more than halfway. He flicked his eyes up to meet Jeremy’s, who shivered at the look in Michael’s eyes.

“How are you so good at this?” Jeremy asked through desperate breaths. Michael tested his limits, trying to go further than before, dragging his tongue along Jeremy’s cock as he pulled off.

“I don’t think I’m that good,” Michael protested once his mouth was free. “I think you’re just really into me.”

Jeremy didn’t argue with him. Michael took that as a win.

But Michael wanted Jeremy to keep telling him he was doing good. He tried quickening his pace, bobbing his head up and down as far as he could reach. “Oh, f-fuck,” Jeremy mumbled from above him. His hips bucked up into Michael’s mouth, making him gag and retract. “Shit. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Michael sputtered, still trying to catch his breath. “Um, can you like…” Michael started to say, unsure of how to word his request. “Maybe keep telling me I’m doing good.”

Jeremy looked confused at first, but once he processed the words, he smirked. “Keep going.”

Michael was quick to obey, taking as much as he could once again. He felt like each time he was able to take a little bit more as he grew accustomed to the heavy feeling of Jeremy against his tongue. “Your mouth feels so good,” Jeremy said shakily, apparently unsure of what to say, but it made Michael’s eyes flutter shut in satisfaction nonetheless. “And you look so good.”

“Describe it,” Michael urged. “Describe how I look right now.”

“God, s-so pretty on your knees for me,” Jeremy said, his voice getting weaker and less coherent, but Michael understood. He hollowed his cheeks, the way he saw people do it in porn, and sucked harder. “Your lips are so pretty, all pink and wet and — fuck.”

Michael felt Jeremy’s legs shaking just slightly, looked up and saw the way his lips were parted in a silent moan. He was close. “Michael,” Jeremy warned through a whine. “Michael I’m going to…” Despite Jeremy’s warming’s, Michael didn’t pull off. If he was going to impress Jeremy, he was going to go all out. “I’m gonna come, Michael.”

When Jeremy came, Michael’s lips remained wrapped around him even as he came down from his high. The taste was, as expected, pretty gross, but he swallowed anyways, making eye contact with Jeremy as his throat moved. “Holy shit, you didn’t have to…” Jeremy trailed off.

“I wanted to,” Michael said. He couldn’t kiss Jeremy, he knew that by now, but he sat up on the couch and reached over for his lips anyways.

“Ew, gross! You probably still have come in your mouth!”

Michael fell back against the couch laughing. “Does that mean that maybe you would’ve kissed me if I didn’t have come in my mouth?”

Jeremy chuckled a little bit, then reached down to pull his boxers back over his hips, leaving his pants discarded on the floor. He stretched out on the couch, leaning over Michael and wrapping his arms around him.

“Maybe. Maybe I would have.”

5

Jeremy sat down next to Michael at lunch, slamming his tray down on the table. He threw his bag over the back of his chair and stabbed a hole into the top of his milk carton with a fork. “Jesus, what the hell happened to you?” Jeremy shoveled a spoonful of applesauce into his mouth and swallowed it down with a swig of chocolate milk.

“According to Jenna Rolan, Madeline cheated on me with Jake Dillinger.” He paused for another bite of applesauce. “So I broke up with her.”

He had only dated Madeline for a few days, a week at most. “Okay, but I mean...you were kind of cheating on her with me.”

Jeremy looked up at him from his tray of food with glaring eyes. “That’s different and you know it.”

“It’s not different, Jer,” Michael argued, but Jeremy didn’t seem to be buying it. “I mean, we act like we’re dating more than you acted like you and Madeline were dating.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You barely even hung out with her. You just dated her so you could say you had a girlfriend. We’re different than that, y’know? We do everything together, we cuddle in bed, we have sex, we know each other better than we know anyone else,” Michael shrugged. “I mean, we’re practically dating already.”

“Not really. We’ve never even been on a real date.”

Michael got an idea. It might have been a stupid idea, but before he could stop himself, he was already blurting it out. “What if I took you out on a date?”

“Are you asking me out?”

Michael swallowed nervously. “Theoretically, if I was asking you out, what would you say? Theoretically.”

“Theoretically, I’d say yes.”

“Jeremy, would you like to go out on a date with me?” Michael asked carefully. He kept his voice low, just in case anyone overheard them.

“Yeah. I would.”

“Alright, then let’s do it.”

“Fine.”

-

Michael picked Jeremy up around 5:30 in his PT Cruiser. He hadn’t told Jeremy where they were going yet, just that he didn’t need to dress up or anything. There was no way Michael could afford any place that was so fancy you needed to dress up.

Instead, he picked out a local diner. It was cheap, they had the best pancakes, and it usually attracted old people instead of kids from their school. Michael had never been on a date before, so he didn’t really know what was supposed to happen. But it was just Jeremy, so he wasn’t too worried about it.

Going on an actual date with Jeremy felt surreal enough, he couldn’t imagine getting to call him his boyfriend. “Hey,” Jeremy said, climbing into the passenger seat when Michael pulled up. They had done this many times before. Michael was always picking Jeremy up for school or to go to the arcade or even just to go look at fish at the pet store. But this time, it felt different. “So where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” Michael teased.

“Michael! I you know I hate surprises!”

“Calm down, it’s like five minutes away,” Michael said. He didn’t know if he’d be able to wait that long.

Only a few minutes into the short drive, Jeremy figured it out. “Oh, you’re taking me to that diner down the road, aren’t you?” Michael sighed, tightening his grip on the steering wheel and keeping his eyes on the road. “You are! I knew it.”

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” Michael complained, turning into the parking lot. It wasn’t too busy, good. They’d get their food pretty fast. Michael made sure to hold the door for Jeremy when they stepped inside. They sat down at a booth, across from each other, and started looking over the menu. “I already know what I want,” Michael said, putting the menu back after just glancing over it.

“What are you getting?”

“Pancakes,” he answered, already imagining how delicious they were.

“I want those too.”

“We can get three and share them,” Michael suggested. It wouldn’t be as romantic as in Lady and the Tramp when they shared spaghetti that led to a kiss, but same idea. The waitress came over and took their order, then quickly brought their drinks. Michael got orange juice and Jeremy got a coffee.

“So…” Jeremy hummed, absentmindedly playing with a packet of sugar.

“So…” Michael repeated. “Are we dating yet?”

“No,” Jeremy laughed. “Not until the end of the date.”

“Oh, come on,” Michael groaned. “I just want to call you my boyfriend.”

“How long have you known?” Jeremy asked, which was a bit too general. Michael was about to ask him to specify, but he seemed to have gotten the hint from Michael’s silence. “I mean, how long have you known that you...liked me?”

Michael thought back, trying to remember when he first realized it. It wasn’t too hard to pinpoint the moment because as soon as a particular memory came into focus, it seemed to click. “The summer after ninth grade when we went to the beach. You were trying to surf, but obviously you were really bad. You fell off and a really big wave crashed over you, and for a minute I was like, ‘oh shit, he’s a goner.’ But then your stupid head popped out of the water, and like the idiot that you are, you were laughing so hard you got knocked under by another wave.” Michael took a sip of his orange juice. “And somehow, that’s when I knew.”

“When did you know?” Michael asked, catching Jeremy off guard. Michael was sure his answer would have been something that happened recently, like the first time they had sex or when Michael sucked him off for the first time.

Jeremy took a deep breath. “It was the summer after ninth grade and we went to the beach. I was trying to surf to impress you, but it was going really horribly, and I got knocked under by a big wave. When I came back up out of the water, I saw you trying to run through the water to help me up like an idiot, which made me laugh way too hard. I was so distracted by you that I didn’t notice another wave was coming and it knocked me down again.”

“Seriously?” Michael asked.

“Dead serious,” Jeremy responded. “And obviously, I tried to pretend I didn’t like you in that way. I thought...I thought there was something wrong with me, I guess? And I was scared. I mean, I’m still scared.”

“You don’t have to be.” Michael was going to say more, but the waitress was bringing their food out and they both got distracted by the smell of the pancakes. It was a stack of three pancakes the size of the plate. Michael spread some butter over the top and Jeremy poured a little too much syrup on them. They each grabbed forks and dug in.

“Hey, so,” Jeremy started, swallowing a bite of pancake. “If, or when, I guess, we start dating...can we not tell anyone at school? For now, at least.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah. No one needs to know until we want them to know, right?”

“Right.”

They finish up the rest of the pancakes and the waitress returns with their check. Michael grabs it and reads it over. It’s cheap, as always, so he digs into his pocket for his wallet. It’s not there, so he checks his other pocket. Not there either. Shit.

“Jeremy, I’ve done something stupid…” Michael said.

“Did you forget your wallet?” Michael nodded. “Goddammit.” Jeremy dug around in his pockets and pulled out three dollars, a paper clip, and a peanut. “This is all I have.”

“I don’t think a peanut counts as currency.”

“What the fuck are we going to do?” Jeremy asked, his voice wavering. “Are you sure you don’t have any spare money in your pockets?”

“Completely sure,” Michael said, trying to act like they were having a normal conversation. He didn’t want to look too suspicious and catch the attention of any waitresses. “You’re not gonna like this, but I think we’re gonna have to dine and dash.”

Jeremy went paler than usual. “No way. No fucking way,” Jeremy argued. Michael held up a finger and shushed him when he started getting too loud.

“What else are we supposed to do?”

“Literally anything else,” Jeremy said, looking around frantically. “Shit, there are way too many waitresses in here. Someone’s gonna see.”

“Just wait, okay? We’ll figure it out.” Michael pretended like he was still thirsty and he slowly drank what was left of his juice until one of the waitresses disappeared outside. “Okay, she probably just went out for a smoke break. That’s one less pair of eyes that could see us.”

Jeremy slid his three dollars onto the table. “We can at least leave a tip,” he said.

“Okay. They’re both distracted at other tables. Now’s our chance.”

Michael stood and quickly headed for the door with Jeremy following close behind him. Once outside, they sprinted for Michael’s PT Cruiser, looking not suspicious at all. “Oh my god, oh my god,” Jeremy muttered, climbing into his seat. “I can’t believe we just did that.”

“Me neither.” Michael’s heart was still racing, pounding against his chest. “We’re so fucking stupid.”

Jeremy was silent for a few moments, catching his breath and waiting for his heart to slow down. “I guess we’re boyfriends now.”

“We are two fucking stupid boyfriends,” Michael agreed. He turned the key in the ignition, but before he put it in drive, he leaned over to Jeremy.

“We’re in public,” Jeremy said quietly. “You can kiss me. Just not when other people could see.”

That seemed fair enough. Michael started driving back to his house.

+1

Jeremy pushed Michael into the room and slammed the door shut behind him with his foot. Jeremy pressed him, hard, against the wooden door, kissing him with desperate lips and a curious tongue.

Michael wasn’t a big fan of parties, but he agreed to come with Jeremy to this one, and he was pretty glad he did.

Michael reached up and wrapped his arms around Jeremy, trying to pull him down further into the kiss. Michael’s head banged against the door and Jeremy quickly apologized. Michael moved his hands down along Jeremy’s body until he reached his waist. He started pushing him in the direction of the bed, but they were both a little drunk, so when Jeremy hit the bed, he fell down on his back with Michael coming down on top of him.

They were attached at the lips the whole time.

Michael was on top now, so he took advantage of that, straddling Jeremy’s waist and pinning his shoulders to the mattress with the palms of his hands. He could taste remnants of beer on his lips and he felt like he was getting more drunk with each swipe of his tongue.

They didn’t speak. Even when they pulled off of each longer for just enough time to refill their lungs with air, they didn’t speak. That would be a waste of time when they were both so hungry for each other.

There was a knock on the bedroom door, but they were both too caught up in each other too notice. Another knock, this one more aggressive than the last. The knocking continued, but they were too busy to care.

Until the knocking ended and a voice shouted, “Chloe, I know you’re in there, you slut!” Until the door opened because Jeremy forgot to lock it and Rich Goranski was standing in the doorway with his jaw to the floor.

They didn’t speak.

Michael scrambled off of Jeremy and Jeremy sat up, while Jeremy glanced back and forth between the two of them. Time seemed to be frozen and no one knew quite what to say or do.

“Jake!” Rich called down the hall. “Michael and Jeremy are making out in your bed!”

And just like that, time came back, moving in fast forward. Rich was drunk and loud, loud enough for at least half of the party to hear. Jeremy sprung up out of bed and sprinted downstairs. Michael followed after him, weaving through a crowd of people in the living room until he got to the door and watched Jeremy take off down the sidewalk.

Michael ran after him, but there was no way he’d be able to catch up. “Jeremy!” he yelled. “Jeremy, stop. Please!”

Jeremy did stop, spinning around in his place on the sidewalk to face Michael. It was dark, and Michael couldn’t see his face, but he was sure he heard the sniffling sound of light crying. “Go home, Michael.”

This gave Michael enough time to catch up, running as fast as he could in Jeremy’s direction, only slowing down when Jeremy was right in front of him. “Jeremy,” Michael breathed helplessly, reaching a hand out to lightly touch his shoulder.

And then it happened. Jeremy spun around again, bringing a hand up to slap Michael across the cheek. Before Michael could react, before he even felt the burning sting, before he could bring a hand up to touch the mark he left, Jeremy was collapsing in on himself and falling to the ground like a puddle.

Michael should have left. He should have stopped caring as soon as Jeremy hit him, but he didn’t. Instead, he found himself crouching down next to him and pulling him up to his chest. Jeremy buried his face into his shoulder, muttering apologies through choked sobs.

“It’s okay,” Michael hushed, rubbing a hand over his back. It wasn’t okay. It would never be okay. But he could pretend. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“Everyone’s gonna know,” Jeremy mumbled. “Everyone’s gonna know I’m a fag.”

Michael didn’t know what to say, so he decided to not say anything. He just pulled Jeremy in tighter, letting him cry out on his red hoodie. “Let’s go to my place, okay?” Jeremy didn’t agree to or reject his offer, so Michael grabbed his hand and helped him stand. Michael’s house wasn’t too far and it wasn’t like he should be driving anyways, so he wrapped an arm around Jeremy’s waist and helped him walk home.

When they came in through the front door, Michael’s mom was still awake. “Where have you been?” she questioned, glaring at Michael until she saw the state that Jeremy was in. A complete mess. “Jeremy? Are you okay?”

Michael shook his head no, and his mom understood. Michael helped Jeremy downstairs and to his bed. By then, Jeremy was a bit more calmed down and able to speak more clearly. Michael climbed in next to him and they laid on their sides, facing each other, their foreheads not quite touching.

“I’m sorry,” Michael said, even though he didn’t know what he was apologizing.

“No, I’m sorry,” Jeremy mumbled. “I shouldn’t have hit you like that. You just wanted to help.”

“I get it.” Michael just wanted to say something, anything, that would comfort Jeremy. “You know, Rich might not even tell anyone else what he saw. And maybe no one else heard him.”

“He was screaming, of course they heard him. And you know how fast rumors spread.”

“I’ll tell them it was me,” Michael suggested without thinking. “Everyone already knows I’m gay. I’ll just say I was drunk and I came on to you. They’ll believe it.”

“I don’t want you to do that,” Jeremy said. “Jenna Rolan love tweets pretty much everything that happens at every party. Let’s see if she’s said anything about it.”

Jeremy unlocked his phone and opened the app, then scrolled for a few moments before his face drained of color and tears started rolling down his cheeks again. “What is it?” Michael asked, though he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to see.

@jennarxo: omg, jeremy h and michael m were apparently caught making out at the party ?? they’ve both fled the scene

Michael scrolled down to read the replies.

@jakeyd123: are we really that surprised though?  
@richthebitch: told u not to tweet this…  
@sochlo: hey @maddiebonjour, i think u turned him gay

Michael sighed and handed him his phone back.

“This is so bad, Michael,” Jeremy said, burying his head into a pillow.

“Think of it this way, Jer,” Michael started. He placed a hand on Jeremy’s arm, gently stroking his skin up and down. “How many times have you wanted to kiss me or hold my hand at school and you thought you couldn’t?”

“A lot.”

“Now that everyone knows, you don’t have to hide it all the time. We don’t have to be paranoid about people guessing that we’re together. We can just be.”

“Everyone’s going to hate me,” Jeremy said. “They’ll all think I’m gross.”

“Give me your phone again,” Michael said, and Jeremy handed it over. Michael went back to Jenna’s tweet and read over the replies again. “Not everyone. Christine Canigula says she thinks it’s actually kind of sweet and that everyone should stop talking about it. Brooke Lohst says everyone needs to stop being a dick and just leave us alone. And remember how Chloe told Madeline she turned you gay? Madeline replied with ‘I think he’s still just figuring himself out, like everyone else at this school.’”

Jeremy sniffled. “I guess that’s not so bad.”   
  
Michael did his best, but he was running out of things to say, so instead he held Jeremy and kissed him on the cheek. “Can I stay here tonight?” Jeremy asked.

“Of course.”

-

As per usual, Michael picked Jeremy up before school on Monday. They didn’t know what to expect. They didn’t know how many people knew or what most of them thought or if anyone would even care at all. Michael wasn’t too worried about himself, but he was worried about Jeremy, who spent the whole drive to school staring out the window with a blank expression.

When they pulled up into the school’s parking lot, to Jeremy’s surprise, everything seemed normal. There were no riots. There were no people surrounding Michael’s car screaming slurs at them. “Hey,” Michael said quietly, reaching over to grab Jeremy’s hand. “Everything’s gonna be okay. You got this.”

Michael could feel how Jeremy was still shaking. Even just through his hand, he could feel how his body was trembling. “Are you sure you want to go in? We can skip today, we’ll come in tomorrow. Maybe you’ll feel a bit better than.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever feel good about this,” Jeremy said. “Might as well get it over with now.

They were going to be late soon. In a few minutes, the bell would be ringing, so they needed to hurry it up. “Jeremy, no matter what, I’ll always be here. If you ever need help with anything, you know you can come to me. I promise.”

Jeremy held out his hand, with his pinky finger raised. “Pinky promise.” Michael reached forward, crossing his pinky over Jeremy’s.

And everyone knows that a pinky promise can’t be broken. 


End file.
